Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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