Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
