i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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