I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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