hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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