I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize