I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
