So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
