If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
