that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize