You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
40s are totally the cure
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
