why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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