areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
