I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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