Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
