I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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