I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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