Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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