I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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