Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
