I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
