we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
