why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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