For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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