she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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