Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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