I feel great
I just peed on a car
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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