my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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