So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
