Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
