i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
