I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
