So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
should my penis look like a turkey
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Is Oprah even human
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
