i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
