you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
