Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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