you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
