How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he thought i was a dude.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
