I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
