Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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