He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
True strength comes from lack of pants
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
