1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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