It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
