I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
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