fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
