Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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