i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
