God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
