Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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