I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
