epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
