Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
