Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
