happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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