um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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