I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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