I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
