I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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