don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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