Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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