um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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