I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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