Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
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