i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
