Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is Oprah even human
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
